Forever Young

The love of my life is 6 weeks old today!  How is this even possible?  She was just safe and secure inside my belly and now she softly cooing beside my as she sleeps, almost outgrowing her onesie!  First it was 6 days, now 6 weeks.  If I blink, it will be 6 months, then 6 years...okay I have to stop.  Why can't she stay little forever?  But as many have said before, and it has never rang more clear, Josslyn will always be my baby.

My Jossy in a Box

Six weeks old tomorrow!  We've had such a busy week.  Josslyn had her first road trip last Tuesday!  We drove down to Sanibel with my friend Lee.  My baby is such a little trooper.  She was perfect.  I can add adapting to her list of qualities.  For the past two nights Josslyn has slept for 8 hours a night! I'm not sure if this is a habit yet, but I sure hope so!  We have been working hard on a schedule.  I think it may start to be paying off!  But if there is one thing I know, Jossy is a little unpredictable!  She will keep me guessing!  So far, it always ends in a pleasant surprise.

Freeze Frame

My baby girl is almost 5 weeks old. She is growing out of newborn sizes and I cried tonight when I looked at her newborn pictures from the hospital. Is this how time will be measured from now on? Will the moments just flash by? Oh, how I wish I had a freeze button to capture my time with Joss. I waited so patiently for her and now I just want everything to slow down.We are working on a feed and eat schedule. This beautiful child of mine is so unpredictable. I already see that she bucks systems. It's fair to say she comes by that honestly. But I will continue to try to get her on a schedule because it is what's best for her. It is what's best for me. It is what is best for us. Right now she often stays up longer than she should after feeding, or falls asleep too soon and wakes too soon before her next feeding. She rarely goes down at 7 and sometimes will go a 6 hr stretch in the night and other times wakes every 3 hours to feed. With every move, she wants to be in charge. I fear there will be years of this power struggle. Im sure those moments are the ones I'll wish I could fast forward.Schedule or not, we are finding our groove. We are blending into each other. I love being Josslyn's mom. And I know this is a feeling that will be frozen into existence as long as I breathe.

Hiatus

If someone asked me what my life was like before I became a mother, I'm not sure I could accurately answer that. I know that I've only held my baby for about 5 weeks, but I became a mother the second I found out I was pregnant. I ceased to be who I was and became my true self, my better self. I left Joss for the first time Saturday night to go out with a friend. I was gone about 4 hours and I actually thought I would feel more guilty about it than I did. Mind you, I left her with my mom and she slept the entire time. I was surprised at how ready I was to have a glimpse of what my life was before Josslyn. A brief reminder of who I am aside from being a mom. It was a nice place to visit for a short time, but I'm so glad I dont live there any more.

So It Begins

Baby Joss is starting to grow out of many of her newborn clothing. Today she began to wear size 1 diapers! And so it begins: the heartbreak that only a parent can feel as they realize when it comes to raising babies, time moves way too quickly!

Night songs

I recently read blog posts about women who transition their babies to a crib because the babies are too noisey during the night. Josslyn either sleeps with me in the bed or beside me in a bassinet and I am so comforted by her little coos, grunts, and gurgles. It reminds me that she is healthy and safe and there is no greater song! 4 weeks old today and I could cry. It seems like only yesterday I was feeling her kick in my belly. As I lay here and listen to her night serenade, I can't help feel a sense of pride and accomplishment. I created the most beautiful music ever to exist!

Catching Up

I was reminded by a dear friend tonight to catch up on my blog.  So much has happened since my last post.  Let me rephrase that:  EVERYTHING has happened since my last post.  My beautiful baby girl has made her debut into the world.  After 36 hours of labor and a C-section, she rocked my world on June 20th, 2012.  She weighed 7 pounds, 1 ounce and was 19 and 1/2 inches long.  I have never loved anything or anyone as much as this child.  She is everything I hope she would be and more.  I honestly can't even imagine that I really existed before her.  I wish I would have blogged about her birth closer to when it occurred, because I think it would be a little more raw and honest.  After a month of being Josslyn's mom, the only thing I can remember is how amazing it was to hear her cry and how incredibly blessed I felt when I first held her in my arms.  I would experience labor 100 times over for her. Looking back I know that dealing with the pain of the C-section was difficult and adjusting to the lack of sleep was torture, but the immense joy I feel from motherhood trumps all the pain, worry, and shock I felt.  I was so ready for her.  We were ready for each other.

Jossy is turning 4 weeks old tomorrow.  I could cry that I no longer have a newborn.  She is healthy and sweet and spirited.  She is beyond perfect.   Well, perfect for me any way.  She is good natured and generally happy.  She is strong willed and knows what she wants.  I knew her in utero and I know her now.  She ebbs and I flow. 

There will be much to write about my baby girl.  For now I'll say motherhood is the most difficult, yet most wonderful experience of my life.  I'm sure I will never feel caught up with this blog or with life.  But if it's Jossy that I'm running behind, I can so live with that.


                                                                            1 hour old

4 weeks old

 

Not All Smooth Sailing

Tomorrow begins my 30th week of pregnancy.  Where has the time gone?  I can't believe my baby girl will be here in approximately 10 weeks.  Though this pregnancy has been somewhat seamless, this week has been a little stressful. I failed my 1 hour gestational diabetes test.  And ever since I found out, I find myself suddenly tired and light-headed. Up until now I have felt really good this pregnancy.  I have to wonder if it's stress, an over-active imagination, or if I do indeed have diabetes?  I won't pretend that I have been a careful eater.  This baby loves carbs and sugar.  I just pray that Monday, when I finally get to take my 3 hour test, that I pass and can enjoy the remaining time I have left of my pregnancy. I keep telling myself that no matter the results of the test, I need to eat in a way that nourishes Josslyn and has me at my best.  But selfishly, I really want to be able to eat what I want.  Bottom line, she will dictate the 10 weeks left, just as she has done since I found out about her existence.  And I will follow out of love.

The balancing act

This is my 28th week of pregnancy.  At times, this experience seems to be flying by so quickly.  Other times, I just want Josslyn in my arms, already.  Given that I didn't even realize I was pregnant for the first 11 weeks, I know I am blessed to be this far along without complications.  Today, I had my glucose test.  It's amazing how much a baby can change the way you percieve and care for your body.  What I wouldn't do for myself, I will easily do for her and her health.  Thinking about that, I begin to worry that I will be one of those moms who immerse themselves in motherhood and don't leave any time to care for themselves.  As much as I already love this little girl, I want to make sure that leave time in my day to take care of my needs and health.  I want her to see me as strong, independent, and confident.  I want to be someone she can look up to and depend upon.  The only way to ensure that is take care of myself.  There is so much to worry about being a mother, the least I can do is take my mental and physical health out of the equation by making time for it.  After all, it is for her.  Everything from this point is and I've never been happier at a prospect.

Nesting

I have had such tremendous anxiety about Josslyn's nursery not being completed by the time she arrives.  I think one of the greatest pitfalls of being pregnancy is loss of independence that occurs as pregnancy limits your mobility.  I have to depend on others to move heavy things, lift, or climb.  Thank God my older brother is around and has agreed to help decorate her nursery.  And though his sense of urgency to complete the task is far, far less than mine, he takes such great care in the work that he does do.  So far he has painted the walls and created a beautiful mural of tree on the wall where her crib will go.  I am beyond happy with the results.  It looks beautiful.  Now, we just have to get the room cleared out, the nursery furniture painted and rearranged in the room.  Though progress has been made, the remaining job has me so nervous!  I just want it done already!  In my mind, a complete room symbolizes that I am ready for her.  It means there is a place in my life waiting that is all hers.  A place where she can feel safe, grow, and be nurtured.  Who knew a room could say so much?

Ripple Begins

My momma felt Jossy kick for the first time tonight.  I am thrilled to be able to share her presence with someone.  I'm glad that someone is her grandmother, who loves her almost as much as I do.  It makes me happy that my momma got to experience Jossy's awesomeness.  But there is a small part of me, a selfish dark spot, that feels a little sad that it's no longer just she and I.  I had her all to myself for months and now little by little, her universe will expand, and more people than just me will begin to revolve around her.  Believe me, she will pull us all into her being.  Her power is limitless, like the sun.

I wonder if she is aware of her strength?  Does she know how fiercely I love her and how much I prayed for her to come into my life?  Just by being she has altered paths, restored faith, and defined purpose.  My little goddess, hatching sunsets in my heart, that only I am aware exist.

Super Girl

    Even in utero, this child holds such tremendous power over me.  I'm 26 weeks pregnant and already I eat, breath, sleep, and dream this baby girl.  The day I found out I was pregnant, I ceased in being who I was, and became her mom, a better version of myself.  Though I am uncertain and filled with fear, I have never felt more balanced or more ready for the unknown.  Not a day or even an hour goes by when I don't feel blessed and recognize this gift:  Josslyn. 
   I find myself distracted with thoughts on who this little gift is and who she will become.   I already know she is powerful.  She leads and commands, keeping me from vices that aren't healthy for either one of us.  I only hope I can foster that and be the model of a strong woman that all little girls should have in their lives.  I also know she is gentle, as she has been kind to my body and let's me know of her presence in subtle and soft ways; a thump here, small pressure there.  She allows me to eat what I want and always seems satisfied.  It's as if she's already saying, "It's okay momma, we got this."  She has me so calm and so balanced, I have to believe she is like her father and is laid back.  Now, given that she is half me, I know there will be fire and spunk in her, as well.  If she is a mix of her father and I in that regard, it will be a nice balance. 
   I feel like there is already so much to say about this unborn child.  I want to tell the world my hopes and dreams for her.  I want to retrace every move of her day inside my bell.  I want to express and seek to relieve all my fears about parenting her.  But I know there will be time.  Time to get to know her outside of the womb.  Time for me to make and learn from mistakes.  Time for me to write about all the wonder and joy she will bring to me life.  Time for me to love.