Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Lines and circles

I have never been a fan of straight lines.  I am not a believer in the linear philosophy of life and death, or manifested beginnings and endings.  I see life more as a circle, a continuous loop of trials and error, triumphs and defeats, growth and regression.  We never really know exactly where we are in orbit, only that we will continue to spin, sometime by our own will, sometimes by undeniable gravitational force, known to me as a higher power.

So every year as people say good-bye to one year and all their bad habits and displeasures and make resolutions, I am always a little confused as why a calendar month makes all that much of a difference.  From my past and others, I have learned not to put much stock in New Year's Resolutions.  But that being said, I do believe in goal setting and reflection and think any time is a good time to pause and decide how we want our energy to propell us in orbit.  Here's what I learned in my 2013 loop:

1.  Nothing can make you feel more like a grown up than a death of a parent.

2.  Motherhood is incredibley joyous and weighted with a burden of constant guilt.

3.  Movement is freedom.

4.  There is nothing more important than the connection of family and friends.

5.  We are constantly having to reinvent ourselves and challenge our systems of belief.


Goals:

1.  Run a 5K.

2.  Make it to Maine to celebrate a good friends 40th birthday.

3.  Improve my health.

4.  Successfully transition Josslyn into pre-school.

5.  Research my family history.



I'm sure I will have new lessons and new goals, perhaps as early as tomorrow.  We don't begin and end with a changing of a month or year, but we do adjust for the seasons of our life and each winter and time in the sun serves a purpose.  Sometimes we learn our first time around, other times it takes several rotations before we even know there is a lesson to be learned.  Round and round we go, where we stop, no one knows.

Monday, December 23, 2013

Naughty and Nice

This is Josslyn's 2nd Christmas.  My baby turned 18 months a couple of days ago and is all about mischief this holiday. She loves taking the ornaments off the tree and throwing presents on the floor.  Tonight she even tore through the stocking I made for her Grammy.  She hasn't quite grasped the idea of unwrapping or Santa, yet.  She does like to sing along with Christmas carols and pull the bows off of presents. Next year will bring a whole new level of understanding and I can't wait to capture her joy.

We have spent some time doing Christmas things.  We went to Celebration with the Barrett's to see snow and ride on a horse-drawn carriage.  She cried most of the time but at least I have the memory.

We have Christmas shopped and gone for walks at dark so she could see the lights.  I dressed her up in a Santa dress and took her picture.  

She is such a blessed child and such a blessing.  Although her moods and fits can drive me crazy, I am so grateful she is here to remind me that I have everything I want.  All else really is whip cream and cherries.


Saturday, December 7, 2013

Missed Connections

My dad would have been 69 today.  I still can't believe he is gone.  I feel a sickening weight in my stomach when I think how he will never get to see his grand daughter grow and see her fiesty spirit that she gets from him.

I took Joss to the mall to visit Santa and she wanted nothing to do with him.  She mean-mugged the entire time.  My dad would have loved that.  Every time he would hear her cry over the phone he would yell, "Give her hell, Jossy."

I miss him so much.  I find comfort in the fact that I at least see my father in my daughter.   He will live on through her.  The world better watch out!

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Rose Colored Glasses

 It's funny how after you have a child
you begin to experience everything through her eyes.  It's as if you suddenly have a filter over your eyes, seeing life sharper and softer both at the same time.  

I just experienced my second thanksgiving as a mom.  My first without my father.  Gratitude took on a entirely new meaning.  I am so thankful to have had a father who loved me unconditionally.   I am so immensely blessed to be able to love my daughter unconditionally.  To love and be loved.  There really is nothing else that matters.

Josslyn did great over the holiday.  She had a blast exploring at Aunt Jill's and as always felt right at ease at Aunt Amy's and Uncle Tony's.  The food was delicious and the company was home.

It is a a humbling thing to see the world through happiness and gratitude.  Thank you Daddy and Josslyn for that filter.



Thursday, November 21, 2013

17 Months

Loves:

Saying bye and uh oh
Minnie Mouse
Popsicles 
Running away when it's time to get dressed
Teasing jeter with food
Riding her pillow racer
Taking a bath
Brushing her teeth
Going bye bye
A snugly blanket

Hates:
The word no and not getting her way!


Monday, November 18, 2013

Smiles trump all

My baby girl and the Barrett's visited the farm for the second time this past weekend.  Well, the 2nd time for Jossy.  She loved it!  Even in the rain I was happy to be there because it brought the kids so much joy.  My friend Amy laughs at me for my contentment at the farm, as she knows petting zoos so aren't my thing .  But seeing Josslyn smile is my thing, so I will love the farm!  A bitter-sweet moment was when I realized my darling twins, the first smiles that made me take on the farm, are almost too big to ride the ponies!  Thank God they still find joy and awe in the animals and experience.  And Jossy finds joy and awe being with them!